The first customer enters
You awake from your slumber, to the sound of a door chime. You had fallen asleep watching some sort of soap opera on the TV. You could not tell if just a minute had passed or a thousand years. You suppose it did not matter as you were still firmly stuck in the wall of Ivan's shop.
You see someone, it looks like a man enter the shop and hope blossoms in you. Maybe he can help you find a way out! Maybe you can trick him into stealing something!
"Hey you!" You call out to him. "Yes you!" The man looks around confused, it looks as if he had stepped out of some fantasy novel, muscles bulged and flexed under his chain mail shirt. His armor clanked and clinked as he shifted around, not wanting to catch his sword and armaments on anything in the shop.
The man looks up finally spying you in the wall. "Wall demon!" He shouts pointing at you.
You wave your hands at him as he struggles to pull his sword out of its sheath in the confined space of the shop.
You frantically look around for Ivan, who is no where to be seen. "No no no!" You say to the man. "I am not a demon, just a... security system... and..." a wicked idea popping into your mind. "and... your handy guide to the shop!"
"Shopkeep?" The man replies. You're not sure if he fully understands everything you say, but hopefully he gets the gist.
"Sure," You reply back. "Just your friendly skunk girl stuck in a wall. At your service." You mime a curtsy as the man seats his sword back in the sheath and looks around.
"Shopkeep? what this?" The man gestures to the various assortments of trinkets you had stumbled into the first time you entered the store. You being bored and having nothing better to do, had spent the past few weeks... months? asking Ivan about every item in the shop.
"One the left is the Amulet of Porthos. The right the Ring of Kona."
"MMM" the man grumbles under his breath. "What do."
You reply from memory "The Amulet of Porthos is a magical amulet hailing from a far off place called France, it's imbued with the essence of Porthos, and will help you, let's say woo the ladies." You think to yourself, it will also make you have a taste for wine and needlessly embellishing stories, but you decide to leave that part out. This gentleman does not seem to be a great orater.
"And Ring?" The man asks.
"The Ring of Kona will brew the best cup of coffee you'll ever have in your life." Exactly one time, and it will keep you awake for days, again thinking to yourself.
"MMM. Useful. I take both?"
"Sure! Everything in the shop is..." You cough loudly and clear your throat while saying under your breath. "Free"
The man looks at you warily. "Nothing free."
You sigh and say. "Ok fine. The price is a kiss."
"You too high off ground to kiss. Even then, Krog not want demon curse."
You scream in frustration going to curse, then thinking better of it, remembering the magic enchantment waiting for you.
"Alright, fine! Solve my riddle and you can take them." You say thinking on your... torso. You think back to a movie you had watched at one point.
Krog nodded, finally something that made sense.
"Ok... I haven't done this in a while. So I apologize if I am rusty. Here's the riddle. Are you ready for it?" You say tentatively.
Krog nodded again eagerly awaiting.
"What do I have in my pockets?" You say looking at him, certain this bumpkin had never seen Lord of the Rings.
Krog took a second, looking at you. "You naked, you have no pockets, wall demon."
"Shoot I guess you're right Krog. I don't have any pockets. Oh I guess you win." You say sardonically. "Ok bye now, the shop is very busy, other customers are waiting!"
Krog looks around in confusion at the shop but grabs the amulet and ring all the same.
"Krog think there trick, but wall demon say I win." Krog drew his dagger and backed cautiously away from the table, taking the amulet and ring.
"Oh no you have bested me Krog. Please I don't know how you solved my riddle so quickly." You say again mocking the man. "Oh Ivan! I think we have a shoplifter!"
In a flash Ivan appears, his form covered in a dark billowing robe, smoke pouring out. Dark and arcane runes form in the air of the dusty shop as his ominous presence fills the room.
"Krog no shoplifter, wall demon say win trinket fair and square." Krog says.
Ivan looks up at you and you shrug at him exaggeratedly, hands facing upwards.
Ivan looked back at Krog crouch walking back towards the door dagger still in hand, then to you, and back to Krog. Sighing he says to you. "We're going to have words about this." He says pointing his finger at Krog, and chanting a spell.
Magic envelops Krog as he drops the amulet and ring which clatter to the floor. His form shrinks and twists, his skin develops a soft sheen as he becomes smaller and smaller. His eyes glisten then flatten, his hair mats to his head. His weapons fall to the floor clattering loudly as he floats upwards. The amulet and ring float back to their initial resting places as Krog's form flattens.
His skin develops almost a glaze as what looks like granules of sugar form on his skin. You look on in horror as Krog turns a nice oven brown as if he were a freshly baked... "Oh my God." You say aloud. "You're making him into a COOKIE!?"
Ivan breaks off his chanting "Well what did you expect?! Me to roll out the red carpet for him? Armed Robbery is a serious crime!" Krog's form bends his eyes now sugar buttons and hair a sugary glaze. Freshly whipped frosting replace his pants and chain mail shirt.
Regret washes over you, you didn't know Krog, or whatever his name was, but he certainly didn't deserve to be a sugar cookie.
"You aren't going to eat him are you?!" You ask hesitantly.
"What am I, some sort of barbarian?!" Ivan said incredulously. "It just so happens the Gingerbread King is in need of new warriors for his war against those bastards in the Pie Fiefdom. Krog here, is going to be their new champion!"
"What?! You can't be serious?!" You yell at Ivan who looks back up at you with disdain. "Oh well.. I guess that works." You say shrugging. You look closer to see Krog now equipped with a shortbread short sword swinging it wildly though the air, as Ivan conjures a portal and steps through. Krog floats through the air tumbling and twisting. "I'll get back at you wall demon! If it's the last thing I ever doooo!" He yells through his voice shrinking as his form travels through the portal.
This shop is weird, you rationalize and settle back in. That was kind of fun... and you grab the remote from your furred back, shifting uncomfortably and turn on the TV. It pops on to an ad for boats in a language you don't understand. You still haven't fully figured out the remote yet, the dim light of the shop and heavy usage had obscured a lot of the words on the remote.
You hear a portal open up in the back store room, along with a clattering of various mops and dishes. Ivan curses stepping into the room.
"Missy what was that?!" Ivan says pointing at you. "I don't know, the guy came in here and I was helping him find his way around the shop and locate various items, all of a sudden he drew his knife and I got scared." You shrug again, drawing up all emotions to add extra inflection to your voice hoping it trembled enough to be believable
Ivan furrows his brows at you and harrumphs, "The cookie man said something about a riddle? And him solving your riddle so he got the amulet and ring for free?"
"No it must have been some miscommunication, I was quoting a movie and he misunderstood me, I told him there was a price associated to the items." You lied, hoping to get out of this.
"What line and movie did you quote?" Ivan asked brows furrowing further.
"I quoted Lord of the Rings, and said "What do I have in my pockets."" you said truthfully, hoping for the best.
"That's a good movie, but that's not a riddle. You're semi naked anyway, you have no pockets."
You shrug, rolling the dice, hoping he took it the right way.
"Well then fine. I like it. But if I catch you lying to me, you'll be envious of mister cookie man?"
You laugh and nod as hope and happiness flows through you. "Ivan." You say cooly. "You said if I catch a shoplifter, I get a reduction in my time here right?"
Ivan turns around and looks up at you. "Oh right. let's see here, the amulet and ring... hmmm. Those are quite handy, especially to someone like him. I don't know, how's a week off?"
"A week!?" You sputter.
"Alright, alright, fine. I was making a bad joke. You get 6 months off. But listen to me." He says jaggedly, "If you mess around and I catch you lying. You'll wind up as a permanent fixture. Got it?"
You nod. Ivan vanishes in a slow roll of smoke starting from his feet his hand still pointing at you as the last bit that dissolves into a fine mist, threateningly.
This shop really is weird. You wonder how much that boat on the TV is selling for, is this ad in Spanish or... maybe it's in Portuguese. In any event that boat has way too many windows for your taste and too much wood paneling.
Written by crunchynachoes on 16 November 2018
The end (for now)