How Needy Is That Kitty In The Backyard?
You have been sitting for a couple of hours when you notice two things. One, your foot's gone to sleep. Two, you are definitely not as divine as you may look. Your mortal body has continued function normally, and now nature is calling.
You get slowly to your feet and limp over to the counter, where the wizard sits reading. "Can I use the bathroom?" you ask sheepishly.
He looks up from the book. "I certainly hope so. It would be quite an embarrassment otherwise."
You sigh. "I do know how! I was asking permission!"
"Sorry, the shop's facilities are for employees only. And if you consider asking for a job I'm not hiring. Business has been slow of late." He returns to his reading.
You can't think of anything to say, so you just stand there with crossed legs trying to remember how you did the Sad Puppy Eyes as a kid.
Though all things considered it would probably be more appropriate to call them Sad Kitten Eyes now.
You don't know if it's the eyes that do it, or just you standing there as a threat to his clean floor, but either way the wizard gives up ignoring you. "You can always go in the backyard," he says. "All the other cats do it. I had to set up a permanent freshness spell."
You can't believe your ears, even though they are strictly now your own any more. Did he just suggest...?
"I am not a cat!" you sputter.
The wizard puts aside the book, picks up a mirror and holds it up in front of you. You look at your short blunt muzzle with the sharp teeth and the inverted Y shape nostrils, your bright shiny eyes with the narrow pupils and the wiggly triangular ears way up there. Either by clever design or dumb luck there is a second mirror hanging on the wall behind you at just the right angle to take in your lashing tail and slender digitigrade legs.
"Define cat," the wizard says calmly.
Too upset for words, you snarl softly as you turn quickly away and pad quickly up and down the floor, frustrated at you soft footpads' inability to stomp properly. Finally you make a sharp turn and march straight out the back door.
The back yard is bigger than you had thought it would be, and it both looks and smells cleaner than the average.
Right in front of you is a tree with dark stains on the trunk. Uhm, no way Jos?!
A bit further away is a big sandbox filled with shiny white sand. Maybe... no.
In one corner is an old fashioned outhouse, far behind the times but in good repair. That could work.
In the other corner is a modern porta-potty with most the modern facilities. Yes!
You rush over to the last installation where you are relieved (pun not intended) to find not only your most urgent needs met, but the seat even has a groove to rest your tail in. If what the wizard calls cats go here, you're a cat alright.
As the narrator mercifully glosses over the next few minutes...
"Thank you."
You're welcome. You finish your business and clean up, then for lack of better ideas you go back to the shop.
"Guess the joke's on me," you admit meekly.
"Don't worry, it comes off with soap water."
"Very funny. Can I go now?"
"What, again? Are you incontinent or something?"
"No, I meant leave!"
The wizard rolls his eyes and seems to be addressing someone upstairs. "NOW she wants to leave."
He looks down at you again. "You could leave any time. You're the one who insists on staying. "
"Um... Okay, scratch that remark."
"You're the one with claws. You scratch it."
You sigh and shake your head. "Look, I guess we got off on the wrong foot."
"You win. Don't expect a prize though."
"I don't. In fact I don't expect anything. I'm sorry I yelled at you and stuff. Now if you'll excuse me I'll just go out and sit on the curb. Maybe if I look pathetic enough some rich old lady is going to pull up in her limousine and take me home to a life in luxury."
Head bowed and tail drooping, you head for the exit while the wizard ponders your last line. "That's from Peanuts isn't it?"
"Yeah. Good ol' Snoopy. Lucky dog. He had a home."
You are close enough to reach the doorknob. You raise your hand...
"I can't offer you a regular paid position," the wizard remarks. "But how about guarding the backyard tonight for breakfast tomorrow?"
You stop and straighten up a bit. It's not much, but a free meal is a free meal. Besides there must be other cat people 'using' the backyard, and until you get a better idea this would seem the best way to meet them.
"Long as you don't plan on feeding me Purina."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
You turn around, lashing your tail, raise your ears and hold out your hand. "Mister Wizard, you've got yourself a guard!"
Written by Won-Tolla on 05 June 2007
The end (for now)